Week 15.5

I had hoped to post a mid-week blog with an update from my midwife appointment, maybe even a recording of baby's heartbeat. Unfortunately my MW was at a birth when our appointment was scheduled, and we have rescheduled for next Monday. Hopefully I will be able to post that update later.

So instead of getting my wonderful heartbeat update, you get the fire update instead. Many of you read my Facebook statuses yesterday as we noticed there was a fire and evacuated, and later the evacuation was made mandatory. This blog post is both an update for all of you who were wondering more about what was happening, and a way for me to capture my own experience & process a few emotional things. Think of this more as a journal than a blog for today.

After a long morning of running around, I had returned to the house and spent about an hour resting in bed. I realized I should probably figure out what we were going to do for dinner. As I walked into the main room, Craig said, "There's a fire over the ridge." We walked out on the porch to watch the smoke, which quickly became flames on the ridge, which quickly became flames moving fast down the hillside towards us. I immediately knew we were going to have to leave - I was just unsure how long we would actually have to get our things and get out.

Beginnings of the Fire

I went in and told all of the kids I could find (at home were Gabriel, and Jordan's 4 kids who are 4, 7, 9, & 10) to go grab a change of clothes. I went down to the basement to grab a suitcase. My mind was reeling- I have learned a lot in my life, and the checklist of things we would need began to run through my head. Important documents. Changes of clothes. Blankets & pillows. Towels for showers. Medications. Diapers for the 2-year old.

I also knew that I was feeling completely overwhelmed. I called my mom - I told her, through tears what was happening, and said, "I just need you to tell me what to put in this bag." She said many of the things I was already thinking:  laptop, important documents, clothes. I did remember while talking to her that my dissertation is currently on my desktop, not my laptop, so I emailed it to her. She asked what we would do with the chickens & other animals (ducks, rabbit), so we made plans to open their cages at the last moment & let them fend for themselves, knowing we may never see any of them again. Better to be humane than selfish.

As I was packing & talking to my mother, I noticed three of the kids trying to put everything they own into the van. By now, they all understood what was happening. I stopped them and explained we simply didn't have room - that they would need to choose 2-3 important things instead. I also told them I understood how hard that was, but that we didn't really have a choice. I noticed Zion with a stack of 20 books - I said no way, so he put down the stack and chose one for the car. We got the dog & cat in, linens, clothes, some bags of food. I remembered dog food, but we were out of cat food. The parakeets got loaded in. Sorry, fish, no way to take you all.

By now, the fire was getting close - maybe 3/4 of a mile away. We had seen several houses light on fire, and heard a couple of explosions we assumed to be propane tanks. I started to wander. I was off the phone by now, and began looking for things that we would need, or things I would be devastated to lose. I really wanted my grandfather's letters - I had already grabbed a painting my mother made for my birthday, a hair clip I bought in Atlantic City with my Grandmother, my other Grandmother's ring. I looked in a few places but couldn't find the letters; fortunately I knew where a set of 3 photos from my Grandfather's last Thanksgiving was, so I took that instead.

Back in my room, I noticed my three Dancing Goddess Dolls. I really wanted to take Cerradwinn (Goddess of birth) - she has been my research assistant, and I plan to have her with my at baby's birth. I also had a dream Goddess whose name I cannot remember at the moment, but knowing that we would be sleeping away from home after a traumatic event, I thought she would be good to have in the space, especially for the children. Finally there was Hecate - Goddess of Home & Hearth. I decided to leave her behind, said a quick prayer to her, and left her with instructions to keep our home safe. I've never felt Goddess energy respond in quick that powerful of a way.

I found Craig to let him know we were leaving. I was hysterical at that point - each time I looked outside, there were more flames, more smoke, and everything was closer. I had stopped at my bookshelf, wanting something that would bring joy & peace. I grabbed a few books, and mourned leaving the rest behind. I also grabbed two birth books that I have been reading. Craig asked if there was anything else that I wanted him to grab. I don't remember my exact response, except that I tried to convey that I had no idea what else I wanted/needed. I cried; he held me. I made him promise that if the fire got close he would get out, even if he had to just run. He put a coupe more items - important art pieces of his - into the van, and I left with the children. The smoke had gotten thick (not dangerously so, but being pregnant & one of the kids having asthma, it was too thick for us).

As I drove out of our driveway, I looked towards the fire. At that moment, it seemed completely hopeless. The fire had spread and was now a wall of flames, north & south of us, headed directly east towards the house. The wind was gusting about 30 mph, in our direction. I burst into tears again, but knew I needed to drive. I left our home, not knowing if I would ever see it standing again.

Traffic leaving the neighborhood was incredible - apparently almost a thousand homes were being evacuated. At this point (about 5pm) many people were headed in each direction - most leaving, but quite a few trying to get to their homes to save children, animals, important items. there were also news trucks, people coming up just to see what was going on and take pictures. joe had been trying to get back - I got him on the phone and told him I didn't know if he'd be able to get there. "Fuck that," he told me. He had already broker numerous laws - speeding, driving over curbs and through medians - and said there was nothing that was going to stop him. Jordan, too, had been heading to the house - I didn't know if she would make it, but with Joe on his way I knew Craig would have a ride out. We passed him eventually; it took nearly half an hour to make the normally 3-4 minute drive out of the neighborhood.

Fire on the mountain behind our place

As we were headed to the Cottonwood House (for anyone who doesn't know, we haven't sold our old home, and have been trying to rent it - as it was sitting empty & the utilities were still connected, we simply headed there), I began having conversations with the kids. I spoke about how fortunate we were to have another house to go to - how all these other people we were passing were calling friends, family members, hotels trying to find someplace to go. I also got them all doing a visualization - we had seen one of the tankers dropping the red fire retardant on the fire, so we all imagined a HUGE vat of the red stuff over our whole property, flowing endlessly and protecting the house, the yurt, the sheds, the field, the garden. For a few moments the car was quiet as I drove.

We arrived at the house and brought in a few items - we all needed a drink, and we had juice in the car. I needed to go next door - I had gotten my medications but forgotten the box with everyone else's vitamins and such. Gabe had had 2 dental appointments in a row, and was taking lots of ibuprophin plus using a number of essential oils, and we had none of it with us. Our neighbors were surprised to see us on their doorstep, but said they had just seen the news. I asked for the ibuprofen and also asked if I could see their news feed - the picture from the report was scary - especially since you could see our house right in the midst of the fire. I read a quick report, thanked them, and went back to our place.  I started making calls & updating Facebook & responding to texts. Kevin had called while we were driving and asked what we needed - I requested some dinner, and he said he would bring chinese food. I got an update form the house - Craig, Jordan, and Joe were all working, packing items & collecting animals. Craig promised to call me when he left the house - which would mean he was either kicked out by the cops, or the fire was dangerously close. Kevin arrived with food (TONS of food!) and we ate some dinner. It was about 6pm by now.

Around 6:30, I got texts from Craig & Jordan saying that they had been escorted out by the cops. The good news was they had all of the rabbits & chickens, and the 2 baby ducks. Our two adult mallards would have to fend for themselves. The bad news was that the evacuation was mandatory. they stopped down the hill and took a last few pictures - one was posted on my Facebook account. They needed to stop by the store for cat food, rabbit food, and some more human food. Meanwhile, Joe got here with the animals - we unloaded them into the garage, where the 20 chickens are now running free in the 3rd car bay (which is closed off from the rest of the garage & house); we got them all fed & watered. By 8, Craig & Jordan got here, with the food, and more treasures (Craig rescued my scrapbooks, which made me cry again). I left to get Athan from Heather's house, where he had been playing safely with his friend Zoe all day. By the time I got back, it was 9:30 or so. Alyssa & her son Darius had gotten here by then too - Joe had towed her trailer to the nearby rodeo grounds, and she had gotten a few items out of it. We were all safe (including all of the animals), we had the basics we needed, and we were all tired. Someone put on a movie, and most of us (3 adults & 7 kids) settled in to sleep in the living room. I love that with 6600 square feet available, we all wanted to be in one room together :).

Chickens in the garage!

As of this morning, we don't know much. News reports are conflicting - 350 acres burned vs 669, for example. 4 houses lost, plus numerous structures (barns, garages, sheds, etc). We heard 60% contained, then 15% contained. All reports have confirmed that the evacuation is still under order, and there will probably be no change until this evening. I'm guessing another night here at Cottonwood, but if they lift the evacuation we will send a scout out to see what the state of things are. I am sure the house will need to be aired out (it was smelling quite smokey already at 5pm); there is the possibility of some damage. And of course there is the slight possibility that there is no house, or that it is fire damaged & uninhabitable. The pictures yesterday were all so close to our house we could monitor things; today's pictures haven't shown our home or our neighbors. I've been checking the city website every hour, but there is no new news.

I guess that's about all there is to say for now - I am sure I will be dealing with my own stress & processing for awhile, plus that of the kids. I was glad Athan was at a friend's house, and missed the drama of getting out of the house. He is in a stage right now of lots of fears, and seeing that fire might have been the end of him sleeping for weeks. Gabe was such a help - once he got his things, he just kept asking me what we needed, & how he could help. We cried for a moment together. He gathered blankets, food, and Craig's digeridoos, and packed things into the van. He's such a young man these days in so many ways, and his actions yesterday really solidified that for me. I was having tons of Braxton-Hicks contractions yesterday with all the stress, but that has stopped today as I have spent time relaxing & the immediate danger is gone. I have an appointment Monday with the midwife, so I'm looking forward to that life-affirming experience. I've been proud of everyone, and so grateful for the support of our community. thank you to everyone for the love & prayers. We are all safe, and that is what matters.

update: We were allowed to return home Saturday afternoon. Our property was untouched, though the fire came very close and things smell quite smokey. The ducks we left behind were perfectly happy, running through the yard as usual as though nothing had happened. The mountain behind us is blackened, as is the area west of us. It's amazing to think of what could have happened, and if the wind hadn't died down when it did, the damage to our home and many others would have been much, much worse.

 Charred mountainside

One more thing - today (Sunday) I made a card & Jordan & the kids & I drew pictures & wrote messages for the fire-fighters. I also made a double batch of oatmeal raisin cookies. We took them to our closest fire station. I know that people came from all over - South Jordan, Draper, Salt Lake, etc - but I felt the need to thank someone for saving our home. I took 7 of the kids - Gabe, Athan, Katie, Nate, Luke, Zion, & Eve - and we found the lieutenant at the station (the crew was out working, of course). I couldn't help but cry as we said thank you - he said, "But everything is OK, right?" and I nodded through my tears. I will be forever grateful to the work done during those 24 hours to save everyone's home & property that they could.