BIRTH

Talysen Jacob Schwartz

December 13, 2012

2:45 am

I love birth stories. So much so that I decided, in 2008, to turn them into a doctoral dissertation. I can read birth stories for hours. I love the details, I love the emotion, and I love those moments that change a woman forever.

For that reason, it is hard for me to know where to begin in writing my own story. For simplicity’s sake, I will preface the story with two things.

First, I had been having early labor for weeks. It started around week 35, and I was worried that I would have a baby so early that it would require a hospital birth, and also worried that I would have a baby before Thanksgiving. This was definitely not in my plans, as I had a large family gathering descending on my house for the holiday weekend. Fortunately, I made it safely past both the Thanksgiving weekend, and the 37 week mark, making a homebirth a safe option. I fully expected to have a baby by 38 weeks, though. I was fine being pregnant longer, but still surprised to make it past that date.

Second, a few weeks before the birth I had been browsing through some of my birth books and saw a statistic that mentioned that 30,000 women give birth on any given day. I was moved by the image of laboring alongside 29,999 other women, our strength building one another up, our common goal of birthing healthy babies creating a bubble of intention much larger than anything I could create on my own. I intended to draw on that strength when the time came.

On December 12, I had had enough.  I didn’t want a 12/12/12 baby – I had done the numerology for 12-12-2012, which is an 11. 11’s are a very spiritual number, and create both beautiful and conflicted energy. However, both of the names we had picked out were also 11’s, and I figured that was plenty 11 energy for one person (not to mention for that one person’s mother!). Adding a 12/12 birthdate felt like too much for me! However, I couldn’t help but feel the pull of this baby being ready to be born. I was also becoming sleep-deprived, being up every night with contractions for hours on end, and was constipated. I decided to take a very small dose of castor oil – I figured at that small of a dose, I would probably just clear my bowels & fall asleep. I also knew that castor oil in small doses does not tend to induce labors unless both mama & baby are ready.

Around 7pm, I began making trips to the bathroom. I was having contractions, but nothing stronger or more regular than what I had been having daily up to that point. I was so relieved to be pooping – I know, TMI, right? But seriously, it was a huge relief. In between bathroom trips I sat on my ball, watched TV, ate some snacks, joked with Joe, read bedtime stories to Athan. You know, a normal night.

It was about 11:15 when I got up to go to the bathroom for the 97^th time. OK, maybe the 6^th or 7^th time. Anyway, when I stood up it felt like I peed a little. Like any woman 2 days past her EDD, I wondered if my water had broken. I began rummaging through my bathroom drawers trying to find my Ph paper – amniotic fluid is very alkaline, while urine is very acidic. Ph paper is a perfect test to see which fluid you are dealing with. I finally find it, rub the liquid from my fingers on a piece of paper, and watch as it turns blue (alkaline). Literally just as this happened, my water BROKE. I mean BROKE – like a water balloon bursting all over the floor. I starting laughing, and I called out to Joe “Um yeah, my water just broke!” I couldn’t help but keep laughing, as the water kept coming. Did I mention I was still wearing pants? I had grabbed a towel, that I was now standing over, and what felt like 2 gallons of fluid gushed out to the floor.

I cleaned up my puddle, put on a skirt & a cloth pad, and sent texts to my midwife & photographer. Cathy, the MW, texted back & said they (she & her assistant Julia) would be right over). I told Ginger (the photographer) that we would let her know when we needed her. For the first 10-15 minutes, nothing happened. And then the first REAL contraction hit. I texted Ginger again, and said “On second thought, you should head up now!” She lives about 40 minutes away, and I knew she would need to gather her things, etc.  Joe got busy filing the pool.

Suddenly I felt really cold. I put on warm socks, a sweatshirt, and wrapped a blanket around my waist. I had to go change my cloth pads every couple of minutes – each contraction basically soaked the pad with fluid. I ran out quickly, and found a chux pad to sit on. I was rocking on my ball, using the bathroom, leaning on the bathroom counter, leaning on the bathroom doorway. I would guess I was having contractions every 5-6 minutes, though we never did time them.

There is an interesting ‘side story’ to this birth that started right around this time. Joe, who had been completely fine as we were watching TV earlier, was suddenly nauseous. He would sit with me for a few minutes, then go off to the other bathroom. He ended up throwing up a few times. I really wondered if he was going to be able to support me through this labor at all. Fortunately, Craig & Jordan were on alert as well (one of us had told them when my water broke, too), and so I knew there would be people around to help. It didn’t make me happy to think of Joe being unavailable, but I didn’t feel devastated by it, either. It was just the way things were going.

*note – a lot of the details from here on out were pieced together over a few days after the birth. I had very little concept of time, and the birth was so fast that I really didn’t know what was going on!*

A little after midnight, Cathy, Julia, & Ginger all arrived. I was mid-contraction, leaning on the side of my bed, when Cathy came in to my room. She waited quietly, and then asked how I was doing. I was still wrapped in my blanket, laboring normally, and said that other than being cold, and my back hurting, I was OK so far. She asked if I wanted her to check me. Throughout my pregnancy, I had thought I would decline any internal checks. However, I had asked her to check me about 5 days before, as I wanted to know if all of the daily labor was making any progress. I was curious to know what to expect at this point (I was 1-2 cm, 50% effaced, and pretty posterior at the previous check). I figured I was maybe 3 cm, but hoped that I was more effaced & less posterior by now. I was shocked to hear her say “6 centimeters, fully effaced, I can’t even really feel the edges.” So either in 5 days, or an hour, or some combination of the two, my cervix had gone from 1-2cm to 6; from 50% to 100%; and from posterior to ‘right there.’ I figured another 6 hours or so, and I would have a baby! It was about 12:30am. Ginger came in to say hello, and snapped a few pictures.

I continued to labor on the ball, or standing wherever I happened to be as I was walking around. When Joe needed to leave the room, he sent Julia in. By now I was asking for hip squeezes, as the back pain was getting pretty intense. He was doing his best to stay close by, and running off to throw up when he needed to. I went in to use the bathroom, and hated the feeling of sitting on the toilet through a contraction. I was so glad when it was over and I could stand back up.

That was when I started shaking uncontrollably. By now I had removed several of the layers of clothing. I was no longer cold, and that shaking could only mean one thing. My thinking brain, however, was incredulous. “There is no way I can be in transition already!” I remember thinking. I decided to get into the birth pool. I stripped off the last few items of clothing, except the black ‘bra’ I wore throughout the labor & birth. Getting into the water felt wonderful, though I was wishing it was slightly hotter. I liked being able to be on my hands & knees, taking some pressure off my back as my belly floated in the pool. According to Cathy’s notes, it was about 1:15am.

Pretty soon, the contractions started coming right on top of one another. I told Joe I needed him near me – I couldn’t cope when he was out of the room at that point. He diligently found a spot on the floor next to the pool, and held my hand. I was getting tiny breaks between the contractions – some as little as 10 seconds, and most less than a minute. They hurt in my back more than anything, so Joe did his best to give me some counter pressure when he could. By now he was yawning through the contractions – he wasn’t tired, he said, but he couldn’t help it. I felt like I couldn’t get enough oxygen. Because I was getting almost no time to rest between contractions, I rarely was able to take full, complete cleansing breaths. I swore a few times, I cried a little, I asked for a bowl into which I heaved many times but never actually vomited (a first for me, I threw up with all 3 previous births). There were sips of Gatorade, ice chips, and water handed to me. There was a cold cloth that felt SO good on my face & neck – I felt like I was overheating at this point. There were encouraging words from Joe, Cathy, Julia, & Ginger. There was pain, and noise, and quiet, and water.

At some point, I remembered those 29,999 other women. I remembered that I only had to deal with one contraction at a time. I remembered that there would be a baby coming soon. I remembered that I had done this three times before, and that each time it was worth it. I also remembered that after tonight, I would never have to do this again. Even if tonight lasted into this morning, or even this afternoon or evening, this was the last time I would do this. It would end, eventually. Those thoughts calmed me, and the panic I was feeling at the peaks of the contractions began to subside.

It was then that I realized I had been pushing through my contractions. I even said out loud, “I think I’m pushing.” Joe’s reply was a sarcastic, “You think?” It was sweet & made me giggle in my mind. Cathy said something about if this was the position I wanted to be in that when the baby emerged she would pass him up through my legs to me. I couldn’t imagine moving, so I shook my head & said OK. I began pushing with a little more might – the gentle movements that my body was doing didn’t feel as if they would be enough. It felt good to push against the pain. But after a handful of contractions, I remember HATING being on my knees. I said something like “I don’t want to be in this position anymore!” and as soon as that contraction ended I turned over into a semi-reclined squat. That felt much better! Another interesting note is that when I started pushing, Joe felt miraculously fine. Nausea gone, yawning over. He was just fine….

I continued pushing in this position. I was worried, however, about having a cervical lip. All three of my previous births had involved an anterior cervical lip that was stretched over baby’s head by the midwife or OB involved. I said to Cathy, “What if I’m pushing against a lip?” Joe said “So what?” or something to that effect, and my thinking brain wanted to explain all of the so what – the danger of swelling, etc. But the rest of me was too busy having a baby, so Cathy quickly reached in and said “There’s no lip, you are doing just fine.” Then I REALLY started to push. I reached in to feel where the baby’s head was – I could tell I would be able to feel it. I felt him there, really low but with a few inches to move down. I could only feel a small part of his head – maybe an inch across and 2 inches long. It was motivating, though. It was the first time I had felt my baby without parts of me between us.

I also remember that at some point in there, I started talking out loud to my baby. “Move down, baby” I would say, or “Come on baby mama is ready to meet you.” The first time I said something out loud I felt a bit awkward. I knew, though, that baby needed to hear me talk to him, so I just kept saying things during every contraction break. It seemed to help the whole process.

The whole time, Joe was whispering wonderful things in my ear. I don’t remember what, exactly. Telling me I was doing a great job, saying our baby would be here soon, that kind of thing.

I pushed through 4 or 5 contractions (they were still only about 2 minutes or so apart), and felt again to see how much he had moved. My findings: he hadn’t moved at all. That was when I realized how much I could feel him up against my tailbone. I knew he was stuck there – it didn’t feel like he was in danger or anything, but I knew it was going to take some real effort to move him past that obstacle. I think I said something out loud about it, I remember Cathy telling me to visualize him moving up & out. I got up into a full squat, pushed a few times with everything I had, and felt him move past my tailbone, until he was crowning. Then I leaned back a bit.

One of the great things about the water, in this birth, was that there was NO WAY I could put any weight on my tailbone. Sitting was totally out of the question. Because of the partial weightlessness, I was able to keep my weight on my hands and feet & keep my bottom off of the ground.  There was no way I would have been able to do that on the bed or floor. My arms hurt like hell for days after, but it was worth it. At some point, I asked to have my boys brought in. They had been in the living room, watching a movie and waiting patiently. They were in the bathroom with us for about the last 15 minutes until the birth.

Those last couple of pushes, I let my body do the work. I helped a little – tiny grunty pushes. I could feel that familiar ‘ring of fire’ that comes with an emerging baby head. It was interesting, though, that it felt so different than my first three. With each of them, I felt as though my clitoris was going to tear off – I remember putting pressure on it and that helped so much. This time, though, it felt very different. This time it felt as though everything was going to tear. We gently pushed together – me & baby – until his head was out. Something felt like it was cutting me, and I yelled STOP a no one in particular. Cathy was reaching to check for a cord, but she stopped, told me what she was doing, waited a second, then checked. No cord. Good.

Ginger got several great pictures of this moment. Had it not been for the pictures, and what everyone had told me, I would have had no idea that he was born face up, posterior, and looking right at everyone through the water. Hence the back pain, different feeling as the head was being born, and the sore tailbone to follow.

This is one of those moments where ignorance is bliss. First time I had a baby, I had NO IDEA how much those emerging shoulders would hurt. But I’m birthing baby #4. I seriously did NOT want to finish this process. I remember thinking, he’s fine right there… except of course he wasn’t, and neither was I. So I gave one last huge push, and screamed as he came through. Then we lifted him up out of the water to my chest, where he proceeded to make the cutest little mewing sounds. It was 2:45 am. He was breathing well and pinked up fast. We checked, and sure enough, boy number four. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Except for those things that need to be noted. Like my beautiful 13 year old son crying, because he was so happy to see me so happy (I am even more grateful to Ginger for catching that moment!). Or the look on my 6-year old’s face as he became a big brother. And the look of pride on my 11-year old’s face as he cut the baby’s cord. There was also the fact that my midwife had to leave pretty quickly after the birth, as another mama had called to say that her water broke around 2:30am. Cathy didn’t make it on time – the other baby was born at 2:55am.

We stayed in the water for about 15 minutes or so. The placenta came out pretty quickly after the birth. Daddy held baby Talysen while I got out of the tub & walked gingerly to the bed. Sitting was NOT an option, as my tailbone felt as though it had been broken. Julia stayed behind and took care of clean-up. She also weighed & measured Talysen – 7 lbs 6 oz, 21 inches. Corbin’s size, exactly. No tears for me, but Talysen ended up with 2 pretty good sized hematomas on his head. They didn’t seem to cause him any pain, but they caused us some stress so we had them checked out at about 2 weeks. They were fine, and cleared up by 6 weeks.

Overall, it was a beautiful birth. I couldn’t believe how short it was – 3 ½ hours from water breaking to holding a baby. I always refer to myself as a ‘marathoner’ with my 19.5, 27, and 11 hour previous births. Of course 11 hours is totally average, but I never would have guessed that this one would be so fast. The joy of climbing into your own bed with your new baby is one you have to experience to understand. We didn’t even put any clothes on him, just a diaper and a towel to keep him warm, and he slept skin-to-skin on my chest from 4am until we woke up around 8 or 9. I was able to have all three of my other ‘babies’ present for the moment of their brother’s birth, which is something I know they will never forget. Gabe has commented that “It must have taken a lot of power to get Talysen out” and he is right- it did take a lot of power. I am clear, though, that it wasn’t just MY power. It was the power of those 29,999 other women; it was Joe taking some of the energy so that I did not have the burden of all of it; and it was the power of a mother who knows just how beautiful and transformation birth really is.

Week 39/40

Today is my first EDD. Which means people are calling, texting, and emailing to see if we have a baby yet. Because, you know, we are for sure going to keep it a big secret when it happens, right???

Anyway. All day Sunday & Sunday night I was having regular, strong contractions. The problem is that they were only hurting in my tailbone, which is usually an indication of a positioning problem. I called my midwife Monday morning for advice, and she gave me a few stretching issues to do that would hopefully help bring baby back up a bit, and then back down into a better position. They seemed to have worked.

Physical update: Because of my concern about positioning, I decided to have her do an exam. It's probably the only one I will have, unless I decide to opt for one during labor, but that is doubtful. At this point, I am very 'ripe', about 50% effaced, about 1-2 cm dilated, baby is fully engaged, ROA (optimal birthing position for those who don't know), and everything looks good with me & baby. I was ordered to eat a good meal, have a BIG glass of wine, and get some sleep. I did, and I have to say that while I still got up to pee 5-6 times last night, it was the best night of sleep I have had for awhile.

Emotional update: Today was the best I have felt in weeks. I woke up NOT thinking 'maybe we will have a baby today!' which was nice because every day I wake up feeling that way becomes a disappointment when I wake up the next morning still pregnant. I think the combo of the good night's sleep, the absence of very many contractions, and the fact that only about 5% of babies are actually born on their due dates made me feel like there is no way today would be the day. At this point, unless I have a rocking fast (less than 5 hour) labor, today is NOT the day.

Which brings me to a thought: Last night, as Cathy was packing up and making a few final notes in my chart, she asked, 'You aren't one of those moms that wants a 12/12/12 baby like everyone else, are you?' To which I replied a big NO. Numerologically, tomorrow is an 11 - briefly, "High spiritual plane, intuitive, illumination, idealist, a dreamer." I have no problem with any of those characteristics, (and actually I think it's a beautiful thing!) except for the fact that both of the baby names I have picked out (boy & girl) are also 11's. I have already considered changing the spellings a bit just to avoid putting that designation on a child, but I feel like those are the names that came to me - s/he must really want them. In other words, it is who s/he is, but lordy I don't think we need to complicate it with a birthdate of the same numerology...

I had another thought about tomorrow's date as well. I would be very interested to see the statistics on the number of planned inductions and cesareans for tomorrow. I would be willing to put a lot of money on their being an increase, you know, because it's such a cool birthday! It is a cool birthday. It's also an opportunity to bring in a whole lot of children on a very high spiritual plane, who will be dreamers... which could be a blessing, depending on how many of them are also beings who can get things done & make a difference in the world. Or maybe they will all end up like little Tibetan monks, and we will worship at their feet... Either way, I doubt many, if any, of the women who have scheduled births tomorrow are aware of the energetics surrounding the date. But who knows, maybe this is the universe's way of ensuring we get a whole bunch of spiritually enlightened beings to show up right now.

I'm not saying I will be crossing my legs if I go into labor before tomorrow is over. My sense is that this baby will show up on the 13th, but that's just because both Athan & Corbin have birthdays on the 13th of their months (as do my brother, my Grandfather, and a dear friend). But I also thought this baby was coming on the 4th and I was obviously wrong about that. I guess we will all just have to wait and see... but please, don't call me. Watch your facebook feed, I promise you will know! 

Week 38/39

Today is either 1 or 2 weeks until my EDD (estimated due date). Normally, at this stage in pregnancy, I am feeling tired, excited of course, but patient enough to wait that last week or two. This time around, I hit the "Fuck this I am tired of being pregnant" point about a week ago. I think it has a lot to do with the already 3 weeks of early labor I have been experiencing. Off & on, constantly, usually too much to totally ignore but not enough to get serious about, either. It's frustrating, but more than that, exhausting.

Last night, for example, I think I managed a total of 3.5 hours of sleep. Went to bed around 11, couldn't sleep because I was feeling so yucky. Every time I dozed off, I would get up to pee. Somewhere in the middle of the night (Maybe 2am?) I went to the bathroom & couldn't fall back to sleep for almost 2 hours because of contractions. Between about 4:30-6 I must have slept; went back to sleep around 7 and was up at 8:30. Honestly, I know I will get more sleep when the baby gets here than I am right now. Waking every 2-3 hours to feed & change a baby is nothing compared to this constant 30-45 minute mini sleep cycles.

So yeah, I'm in 'grumpy bitchy pregnant woman mode' at this point. I had some nesting energy earlier in the week - cleaned the whole basement on Friday, cleaned out the fridge yesterday, that sort of thing. I'm thinking about cleaning out the pantry today, not because I have that same nesting urge, but because I'm so grumpy I need something to do so that I don't just bite the head off of anyone who gets too close to me. I KNOW I need a good nap today, and I am hoping that happens. Tomorrow, I'm going to get a Labor Stimulation Massage at SL Prenatal Massage, and hope that kicks all of this prodromal labor into action. At least I will be relaxed. I hope.

Of course, there is a long list of stuff bugging me right now, and I know it is due mostly to exhaustion. I am grateful that baby has dropped so low that walking up & down the stairs is not as much of a problem (have plenty of lung capacity again!) and the heartburn has become manageable. I'd really like to get our bills paid today before the baby comes, but for some reason (actually I am pretty clear about the reasons, but I'm not going into them here) our monthly transfer has still not come in. It was supposed to be here Friday. Which also means we have no $ for groceries, or a nice little walking trip even through a thrift store. That is definitely not helping my mood.... Neither is the fact that holiday traffic makes is annoying to be out & about, or the dog prints on the carpet by the back door, or the pain in my sciatic nerve, etc.... Yeah. Bitchy grumpy pregnant woman, lol. I feel like such a stereotype.

In happier news, this past Saturday was my Mama Blessing. It was a wonderful gathering of women - we ate, told birth stories, painted by belly with Henna, decorated onsies for the baby, and I was given some wonderful - and very touching - gifts. I literally need/want NOTHING for the baby now except a diaper pail. Alyssa made the most beautiful purple diaper cake! It was the only thing I really asked for (I have always loved those things, and I needed a few more cloth diapers). I used several of the gifts I was given, plus some other items I had been saving, and created my 'birth alter' next to the bed. The pool is blown up & ready to be filled. My room is ready. So really, baby, come on. It's time to come out and play. Seriously.

Week 37

It's week 37 here - or 38, going by my earlier EDD. Which makes me officially 'full term' no matter which EDD we are using. I made it through Thanksgiving, as I hoped I would, but there were definitely a few minutes there when I thought that wouldn't happen!

It was quite a week! As I posted, I left home early last Tuesday and had a wonderful massage (first time my hips hadn't ached in weeks!), then got the boys & picked up my Grandma at the airport. It was pretty much a whirlwind from there. I didn't do as much 'sitting & chopping' as I had hoped, but I managed some. Everyone around me kept reminding me to sit down, to not pick up that big heavy pot, etc. It was actually kind of nice - I'm usually annoyed by that kind of thing, but I honestly needed the reminders! I only once lifted something I shouldn't have. The physical response was enough of a reminder, but the loving reminders from my parents, grandmother, and brothers were helpful, too.

Wednesday was interesting - a truck had pulled some cables down in from of the house (we had no internet or cable for 4 days), and the power line had to be replaced. Mom & I were running like crazy to make sure we got the baking done before the power was turned off - I'm pretty sure the electrical component of the oven would have shut off, giving us either no oven or no way to regulate the temperature. Fortunately the power stayed on until around 8pm. I was asleep at that point, but woke up around 9:30 to a candle-light poker game in the kitchen. Proud to say Gabe took 2nd place, knocking out grandpa, the rest of the kids, and Craig.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving celebration on Thursday. My mother made a "Thanksgiving Tree" and everyone placed leaves with what they were thankful for on the tree. It is still sitting in the library area, and will likely stay up for a couple more weeks. Even the dogs added leaves. I think someone helped them with spelling, though....

Daily, I am experiencing rounds of contractions lasting from an hour to 5-6 hours. I'm really not used to having SO MUCH of this go on. With all 3 of the boys, it was 3 days of this, then a baby came. I've gone for 8-9 days now dealing with this every day. It's exhausting! The good thing is I am getting in a very good nap every day - 2.5-3 hours each day. I would be very worried about being rested enough for birth if it wasn't for these naps, as I get up every hour at night. I seem to be able to sleep for an actual stretch of time only in the afternoons. At least I am getting some sleep!

I still think this baby is coming December 4th. I don't know why, it's just the intuition I have had all along. I am looking forward to my mama blessing this Saturday, and I'd really like to go pregnant, so I'm fine if baby waits at least until that is over! Of course, tonight/tomorrow morning is a full moon, so again, who knows what will happen.

I've been awake for 3 hours. It must be time for more sleep, right?

Week 36

So it's week 36. Or 37, depending on how you look at it.

You've all read my rants about due dates, so I won't go back into that again, However, there are some very important milestones in pregnancy. Today is one of them: According to the charts held by my midwife, I am now 37 weeks pregnant. Which means baby can be born at home.

I don't know why I have been concerned about this so much. I never really worried about that with any of the boys. Yet, I have had a feeling this little one might come early, and as I mentioned a few weeks back, with my friend Teri having little Rowan at 28 weeks, it's just been on my mind the whole time. Honestly, our hospital experience wasn't a total nightmare when Athan was born - I still had a totally natural, intervention free birth. That's a rare thing in hospitals these days. But I had to fight for it, even in the short 2 hours from arriving until he was born. Add to that the battle to get OUT of the hospital, which included me signing him out AMA (Against medical advice), and those are the things I really do NOT want to have to repeat. Bottom line: I am VERY grateful that from this point on, baby will be born at home. Most likely in my bathroom in the birth pool that was delivered last week.

Which is a very good thing, as for the past two days I have been having pretty much non-stop contractions. They aren't the painless Braxton Hicks that women get throughout pregnancy, but they are pretty mild so far. Aside from the crampy, aching sensation in my back I can mostly just keep moving and doing whatever I am doing while they do their job of getting my body started in the birthing process. In reality, women can have these kinds of mild but useful contractions for weeks at a time before baby comes. In my experience, I tend to do about 3 days of these before kicking into full blown labor. Which would have tomorrow be bay's birthday. I mentioned last week I REALLY want to stay pregnant through Thanksgiving, but if baby has other plans I can't exactly argue.  Well, I can argue all I want actually, but little good will it do me! Oh, and yes, they are continuing today. Just had to stop typing to pay attention to that one!

Blood sugar levels continue to be good - I'm not testing them very often now, just when I feel 'off' and want to see what's going on. Which is a good thing because those test strips are EXPENSIVE!!!! I've been very good (Santa, bring me an extra present?), eating mostly every 2-2.5 hours, lots of high energy carbs & protein. I don't feel like I am getting the most balanced diet at the moment, because I am eating the same few things over and over again. But hey, if it's working it's working, and I only have a few weeks left of needing these restrictions.

I had a pretty big burst of nesting energy yesterday - I felt the need to either clean the entire house, or find a project to keep me occupied. I ended up painting the hall bathroom. The white walls all over the house were really getting to me. Actually it's the dirty fingerprints all over the white walls that were getting to me. I figured one less space for dirty fingerprints would be nice, plus I generally don't like white walls anyway. I was able to use paint we had on hand, so no expense to the project either. It came out very nice - copper & green, bright but subdued by the copper. I kept the bathroom fan on the whole time so the fumes were pretty minimal. I am glad that Thanksgiving madness starts today, though, otherwise I might end up painting my bedroom today...

It's going to be a busy 36th week. I will be leaving the house around 2 today - I get to start off the craziness with a massage from Kristen at Salt Lake Prenantal Massage. For now, I'll have her stay away from labor triggering pressure points ;). Then it's off to pick up my Grandma from the airport, take her to dinner, and get her settled at her hotel. Tonight, Mom, Jesse, and my awesome nephews arrive. Tomorrow, Dad gets into town; Thursday it's Jeremy & his new wife, Meghan. The turkey is defrosting, the groceries are getting picked up by Craig today. I plan to do a LOT of sitting & chopping vegetables while everyone else does the big work. I am so grateful to be able to be with my family this year. Thanksgiving is a big deal with my Dad's side of the family in particular. Last year I cried because no one was here & I couldn't even reach a single family member by phone for a couple of hours. I can't imagine dealing with that in my pregnant, hormonal state ;). I am happy that this year I will be surrounded by members of my extended family. I just keep telling baby s/he will get to meet them all soon enough, so STAY PUT for another week, will ya?!

Week 35

Well, last week's attempt at diagnosis was incorrect. My labs came back totally normal, except for a slight increase above normal blood sugars. After a few days of testing those (thank you, Rebecca, for the loaner of a glucose meter!), it was pretty apparent that blood sugar has been the problem. I had a couple of highs over the diabetic range, and many more in the 'very high' range as well. Fortunately, diabetes in pregnant women usually reverses after the baby is born. Also fortunately, it's another issue that can be handled through diet with no other intervention needed.

So for now, I am on a highly restrictive diet until baby comes. The hardest part is eating every 2 hours - I'm not hungry when I am eating, which I don't like to do. And getting enough of the right carbs in combo with enough protein is tough, too. So far, though, it seems to be working - I've had the only two normal blood sugar readings so far right before eating today.

I was also advised to pretty much quit working. So, sadly, tomorrow will be my last staffing day at Sego Lily until baby comes (well, until after I have recovered from baby coming, and am ready to start being back at school with the babe). I will definitely be in for the Chili Supper if I can make it, and of course our holiday party, most likely with baby in arms.

The goal, for now, still remains to stay pregnant through Thanksgiving. Even though I am clear to give birth at home next Tuesday, I have family coming in from Vegas, Portland, and Florida via New York. I really want to spend my time with them, enjoy the holiday, and maybe cheat just a little on the diet ;). I also really don't want to have to kick everyone out of the house to have a baby ;) The next goal will be to stay pregnant past the baby blessing on December 1st. But for now, Thanksgiving is the goal.

The other great thing about my appointment with my midwife (besides the fact that I felt relieved to reconnect with her after her vacation) was that she delivered our birth pool & birth kit. Another step in feeling like things are getting pretty real around here! It feels so close.

We also went and had photos done with Ginger of Earthside Birth Photography. I had really wanted to get maternity photos taken this time, as it is definitely my last pregnancy. I can't wait to see what Ginger came up with. We also got my belly cast done, which was another big to-do off my list. Now my two big 'wants' are handled, in case baby comes early.

Baby remains extremely active, measures just a little big (as always), heart sounds fine, etc. Funny how that works - the babies get whatever they need, while the mamas' bodies fall apart, lol. I'm grateful for that arrangement, though. I can change my diet, baby can't. It's getting so close to baby time, that I am beginning to long to meet her/him. Until now, I have been willing to let this pregnancy take as long as it takes. Now, the due dates can't come soon enough :) As long as we get through Thanksgiving!

Week 34

Well, it has NOT been an uneventful week. Not even close! Some of you were following my Facebook posts, and know a bit about what has been going on, but I will lay it all out here in detail, anyway. After all, this blog is my diary of this pregnancy more than anything else!

Last Friday was a Sego Lily day. I love my Sego Lily days - working with the Odyssey team, chatting with the staff, being around my kids, playing games with students, etc. It was an extra nice day because we had some visitors, and the weather was gorgeous. I spent a lot of time outside, and as much time sitting as I could manage.

The bad thing about my work days is that they have become EXHAUSTING. It's a 6-hour work day, but really an almost 8 hour day when you include the driving back & forth and the energy it takes just to get out of the house. I'm no longer surprised when I get home exhausted from a school day, so Friday seemed very normal to me, in that I came home, got into bed, watched TV, had dinner, and went to sleep.

Saturday morning, I woke up early & took Gabe to his soccer game. Baby was NOT very happy about my camping chair, so I spent a lot of the game standing behind the chair watching the boys play. It was a disappointing 0-2 loss - mostly disappointing because it was their last game of the season., and also because they played really well but just couldn't manage to score. By the time we got back (mind you this was a home game, so a total of probably 2.5 hours of being out), I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I climbed back into bed & tried to nap, but for some reason with 15 kids in the house I just couldn't fall asleep. I did rest though, for as long as I could. When I got up to use the bathroom, I felt super dizzy, and was seeing spots. My heart rate went nuts. I got back into bed as soon as I could. The rest of the day was spent mostly in my room, resting, reading, watching a movie. Each time I got up to pee, same dizziness. My heart rate would go nuts even when I was sitting still. Baby was super active, so I wasn't too worried there. I watched carefully to make sure I was getting enough fluids & food, but that didn't seem to help anything.

Sunday, same routine. At some point, I got worried enough that I decided to call my midwife, who I then remembered was still in Mexico. I tracked down a number for her back-up, and spoke to her about what I was experiencing. She recommended I check my blood pressure, so I went to Walgreens. Totally normal, though my HR was pretty high for just walking into the store. Melissa (the MW) and I brainstormed a few things - the most likely culprit seemed to be anemia.

On Monday, I met Melissa at her office. She did a blood draw, checked BP, listened to baby, etc. I was feeling slightly better, but still dizzy every time I got up. the slightest bit of exertion has me feeling winded & exhausted. I did have slight amounts of both protein & keytones in my urine, which are signs of possible infection, low blood sugar, and also possible preclampsia, but only when combined with high blood pressure. We were both still of the opinion that this is most likely severe anemia, so I decided to start treating as such.

My late lunch on Monday was a salad with half a dozen oysters. My dinner included chopped liver (YUMMY!!!), and I bought some new protein shake powder to get my protein intake up as well. I have upped my intake of my iron supplement, and am combining it with OJ to help with absorption. These things, as well as other steps I will be taking, all help with iron levels & if we are correct about the diagnosis, I should be doing better within the next 2 weeks.

At this point, I am still waiting for the lab results that should be coming in this afternoon. They should rule out anything else, and most likely confirm the anemia. Of course, if they point to anything else I will following those paths as well, to see what I need to do to keep baby & I safe & healthy for another 6 weeks. Oh yeah, 6 weeks. Now THAT is a short time! And I still haven't made those baby wipes....

Week 33. Blargh

'Blargh' because everything I eat seems to be giving me either heartburn or nausea. Makes me not want to eat. BUT, I am also starving, lol. So I am eating - small portions, throughout the day, as is required by my tightly compressed stomach. Baby seems to have a very high need for food. So does mama.

So last week, Cathy came over, and ran out of gas on her way up the hill. Fortunately, Becky - one of her students - was with her as well. Everything still totally in 'normal' range, and belly was measuring a bit smaller, i.e., closer to 'normal,' so that was nice. I kind of freaked myself out doing google searches on the topic of excess amniotic fluid and such. Like everything in pregnancy, there is a huge range of 'normal' so more than likely, nothing means a darn thing except that in regard to fundal measurement I am on the high end of normal. There is definitely plenty out there to scare yourself with, though, if you want to worry. About anything.

So much for blogging goals and having them accomplished ;) I did manage to get quite a few scrapbook layouts done, Halloween costumes are almost ready (need to run Gabe to the store tonight & find my black shirt), and I did take my iron every day. I seriously doubt my protein intake has changed a bit, and I didn't get the baby wipes made. Maybe this week. Or maybe when my mama gets here in a few weeks for Thanksgiving.

It feels really crazy that tomorrow is Halloween. First, it's pretty warm outside (high tomorrow around 75!). Second, it sort of snuck up on me. And third, it's one of those milestone dates that brings me pretty darn close to having a baby, so the fact that it is basically here is, well, kind of nuts. I'm excited to be big & pregnant on Halloween, in some respects. I've never had a big belly for a costume, so that part is really fun (I'll post some pictures next week). However, I also enjoy taking the kids out, and this year I will be staying home, since I can barely walk across a room without getting exhausted, much less all over a couple of neighborhoods. We carved pumpkins last week, and it has been a comedy of errors around here - half of them have rotted (like the fuzzy, leaky, squishy stage) already, and the deer keep dragging the rest of them off the porch to nibble at night. At least it was a fun activity! Oh, and the pumpkin seeds I roasted have been delicious.

Soccer season is wrapping up - Athan's last game was Saturday, Gabe's is this weekend. Sitting on the field with Athan's team I thought to myself 'Next time he plays a game I'll have a baby with me!' That was a sweet thought :) Gabe has try-outs for his winter indoor season today, so technically his season isn't wrapping up so much as merging into the next season. It does feel good to know that rather than 3 practices & 3 games a week, we will be down to 1 practice, 1 game. And they are all indoors. With places to sit and everything! This pregnant mama appreciates that more than you can imagine.

Baby is knocking on my ribs again, so I am going to get some more food. Next week: thanksgiving preparations. Oh My.

Week 32

10...9....8..... Yup, still feeling like a shuttle countdown ;). 8ish weeks to go. Major number of 'big events' about to start to fill that time. Baby has dropped lower, and I'm waddling like a duck. Oh, and most of my maternity shirts are too small now. Yeah. With 2 months to go...

I took a look back at last week's post, and realized I had accomplished all of the goals I had for the week: I got some more sleep, ordered the belly casting kit, got a bunch of scrapbook layouts done, and made a list of people to invite to the shower/blessing. It's rare for me to finish 50% of what's on a list these days, so I am feeling pretty proud of myself at the moment! I should probably put another list like that on this week's blog. Hmmm... OK this week's goals: to take my iron every day, eat more protein, get Halloween costumes finished, do at least 10 more scrapbook layouts, and make the baby wipes (I use little flannel wipes with a home-made solution, much better for baby's skin, and cheaper than store-bought wipes). Alright, let's see how that goes!

In a couple of weeks, I will be doing a maternity photo shoot with Ginger - owner of earthside photography - and sister of my friend Candace. She does BEAUTIFUL work, and will be here for the birth as well (and doing some newborn shots a few days after the birth). I was having a low day a few days back, and after spending some time cheering myself up on cake wrecks (a site guaranteed to make me pee my pants laughing), I headed over to Awkward Family Photos to laugh at some badly done pregnancy photos. I decided to consider it 'research' for our maternity shoot - in a 'what-not-to-do' kind of way. Like this one:

Yeah, pretty sure we won't be doing anything like that. Because one, ew. And two, she has pants on, people, what are you expecting to see? And three, WTF? Anyway, if you need a good laugh, both of those sites are a whole lotta fun. And I promise my maternity shoots will NOT make those pages, with Ginger at the helm (especially the pages of cake wrecks, because that makes absolutely no sense)!

Anyway, it's an appointment week again - every 2 weeks with the midwife now - so I will have another 'still measuring huge' update for next week, I'm sure. In the meantime, enjoy the funny photos of other pregnant people, I'm going to eat some warm pot pie, take my iron, and do some scrap-booking.

31 (and some change) weeks

This week has already gotten away from me! It seems as though every time I try to get my schedule a little more clear to allow for more rest/relaxation time, a million things come up that require my attention. This week I have once again ended up out of the house every night Monday - Thursday. Thankfully, it's UEA weekend, so there is no school today or tomorrow, and I only had to go to work one day this week.

Athan & I comparing our baby bellies. His was a green alien; I am hoping for pinkish human!

So, 31 weeks. I feel like the shuttle count-down. 10....9..... and at the same time, I get the sense this baby is coming a bit early. I keep dreaming this over & over - it's either me processing my fears of him/her coming too early, or it's my psyche's way of preparing me that mid-December is just a little too long for this baby to wait.

Last week, I went to a class that my midwife was teaching to midwifery students about prenatal care. She needed a couple of mama models, and asked me & another pregnant mama to come to her class. There were about 12 students there, so they split into 2 groups and took turns using all of the various tools to find heart tones, palpate the baby for position, measure fundal height, etc. It was interesting to see how differently baby responded to each pair of hands - those who were already very comfortable (which seemed to be those who had been in the program longer) got baby pressing up against them, easy to find heart tones, etc. Those who were more nervous had baby turning away to hide ;). Interestingly, I was measuring about 37-38 cm, another 4-5 cm gain in one week. As you are 'supposed' to be measuring the same number of cm as weeks, I can see why everyone thinks I am about to 'pop any minute.' Cathy actually came over to check to be sure the students were measuring correctly, but she came up with 37 as well. We all decided I am just very well hydrated right now (or at least I was last Thursday).

We had our last birth class last night - did a fun 'labor rehearsal' to practice all of the labor positions & massage/counter pressure techniques we had learned. I got to give the other mama & our instructor (who is also pregnant) their baby gifts. I was also asked to bring in my cloth diapers to show them all the different types. I really do have some of everything, and it was fun to show off the ones I made a few weeks ago.

This week's goals are to get some more sleep, catch up on some more scrapbook layouts, order my belly casting kit, and get together a list of people to invite to the baby shower/mama blessing. My sweet friend Alyssa has agreed to host this for me, on December 1st. I don't know yet where or what time, but will keep everyone posted. I am looking forward to having a time to celebrate the coming of this sweet little person with some friends & family. I'm sure we will be having a little mini-blessing on Thanksgiving as well, since so much of my family will be here for that celebration. I just have to remember to not over-do it that week!

Week 30!

Wow, only about 10 weeks left! Holy crap, only about 10 weeks left!

That was my reaction this morning.... Which wasn't as intense as the reaction I had last Thursday, when discussing my different due dates, and 'when would be too early to give birth at home' with my midwife. I always like to have that date in my head, just in case. When we figured it out from the earliest date, and she said, "Any time after November 20th!" I almost passed out. That's BEFORE Thanksgiving! And it's not even December!!! I haven't once given serious thought to giving birth in November. And I have all kinds of family coming in for Thanksgiving, I'm going to be too busy to give birth ;) More accurately, my house is going to be too busy & hectic to be conducive for a birth. Which, knowing the natural responses of women's bodies, would make it almost impossible for me to go into labor that week anyway. But still, just the idea of it was enough to create a real "OMG" moment.

Feeling generally good, other than the exhaustion. I measured an extra 4 weeks at last week's appointment (33 weeks at 29), but that is pretty normal for me. I feel like I have put on a few more pounds, too. I don't plan to get on a scale again until 38ish weeks, and then only for Cathy's records & curiosity. I don't really care about the weight, but I can feel it right now. Or maybe that's the tiredness dragging me down. Regardless, I am feeling BIG.

We re-arranged our bedroom in preparation for the birth. Somehow there is SO much more space in here now! I also hung some of my favorite pictures of the boys above my dresser - inspiration for those moments of labor when I wonder what in the hell I am doing and why ;) We also got confirmation from Cathy that there is plenty of room in the bathroom for the birth tub. It feels a little silly to be planning to put a tub next to our tub, but those birthing tubs are just so much better for moving, laboring, etc... plus I don't have to worry about getting it sanitary before-hand. Birth tubs have single-use linings that don't have to be washed before or after. I am starting to feel like I have a space to birth, which feels very settling. I also feel like we have everything we need, except for a car seat & a couple packages of newborn disposable diapers. I like to use these for the first 7-10 days, both so I don't have the extra laundry, and because meconium (baby's first poops) is a bitch to get out of cloth diapers. Other than those 2 things, I feel pretty prepared for those first weeks - plenty of clothes, nice warm blankets, cloth diapers, nursing bras. I am getting excited to meet this little one - s/he is so active, constantly making her/his presence known.

Week 29

I know I keep saying this - but WHERE is all of the time going???? I swear someone is stealing it! I know it was only 2 days ago that I sat down to write last week's post, wasn't it? And yet, here we are again, it's Tuesday, and it's another new week.

I have definitely been slowing down even more. I can't imagine working even my 3 short days at the school for much longer. The mere idea of driving into town, working at school for 6 hours, & driving home makes me cringe. And yawn. Even sewing has become tiring... I made a diaper yesterday and practically needed a nap when I was finished!

We have been re-thinking our birth plans, in regard to the yurt. The biggest concerns are (in no particular order) power failure, running back & forth to the house for food, supplies, etc, and that it isn't really our home, even though it is part of our community. I have an appointment with Cathy this week (seriously, it's been 4 weeks since I've seen her already? I told you someone is stealing time!), and plan to ask her some questions about the size of the birth pools, etc. I also have a whole list of other questions to ask her, about how many weeks do we need to reach before she will attend the birth at home, how she handles cervical lips (if you don't know what that means, just know they SUCK and I have had one 3 times in a row now!), and how she handles birth supplies (do I need to order them, does she bring them beforehand, etc). It's a long list, and I imagine she will be quite surprised as I have had very little to ask this whole pregnancy. But, it's flown by, and it's almost time to start preparing for the actual birth, and I am a planner.

Athan is getting quite excited as well - I am getting the almost daily question of 'when is the baby coming?' It's kind of nice to have all of these milestones in place to keep his excitement at bay - we have to prepare for Halloween right now; then it will be having family here for Thanksgiving. After that, I can distract him with Christmas/Solstice preparations. And, of course, there is still the distraction of soccer season for a few weeks (I'm off to one of Gabe's games in about 45 minutes), and the daily distractions of games to play, school, and friends to visit.

Random picture of my boys on the Salt Flats - from our road trip to Uncle Jeremy's wedding

That's about it for an update this week. I did update the baby registry with a couple of things that I thought it would be nice to have. The registry can be found at http://www.buybuybaby.com/regHome.asp? - just put in Jen Schwartz, and it will take you to a list of all of the Jennifer Schwartz's with registries - I'm the only one in Utah ;) Apparently there are 9 of us having babies - or recently had babies. And one of them seems to have had a baby on Corbin's birthday, which is really a coincidence. Small world!

28 weeks

Oops, kind of forgot to write yesterday... thank you once again for the 3 of your ho freak out every time I forget to pot my blog posts on Tuesdays. You know who you are - and you should know how loved I feel that you FREAK when you don't get to read a Tuesday update from me!

So... the belly is getting bigger, & the weather is getting cooler. which is probably why I was out buying maternity pants & long sleeve shirts yesterday. I have a love/hate relationship with buying maternity clothes, especially this time around - I LOVE having clothes that are cute & show off the belly, and mostly that are comfortable.... and I HATE spending too much money on clothes I am going to wear for 4 months & give away. Besides, they are all overpriced - most of what I have been wearing has come from second hand stores, which has been nice, but I could not find a single pair of jeans with the belly bands that I like (the ones that come up over your whole belly), and while there have been plenty of long sleeved T's & sweaters, they have all bee really, really ugly. So I broke down & spent a little bit of $ yesterday. Which means I need someone else to really step up & buy the car seat on my registry ;)

I realized I hadn't taken a photo of the giant beach ball... I mean baby belly... in awhile, so I posed in front of the mirror this morning. I haven't seen my toes while standing up in months, now you can see why.... you can also see the new top I got yesterday ;)

What else? It feels like a 'plugging along' kind of week. September has FLOWN by, soccer, Sego Lily, baby projects, and life have kept me so busy I barely notice the passing of time. Next week it will be time for another midwife appointment already; we've finished 5 or 6 weeks of birth classes already; it's getting clod outside already... December is going to be here before I know it, and that is both exciting & scary! I'm excited for so many things happening before then, that I know it's going to come too soon. But, like I've written before, I may need you all to remind me of these words when those last few weeks start dragging!

Much love to you all :))))

THIRD TRIMESTER!

Welcome to week 27, the official beginning of the 3rd trimester. Actually, there are so many different variations as to when the trimesters begin & end - it's a good indication that really, we just have very little idea how this is all supposed to work... But, since '40 weeks' is the expected pregnancy length, and at 27 weeks that leaves about 13 weeks which is about 1/3 of the total 40, I'll stick with this one. Did you follow that? Don't worry, neither did I and I am the one who wrote it...

I've been saying for a couple of weeks that my lovely, glorious 2nd trimester energy has been waning. Yet another indication that, as I am fond of saying, my body never read the textbooks that outline how this is supposed to be done. I'm much more tired, I feel like if my belly swells another millimeter it will explode, and I'm getting up 3-5 times a night instead of once. On the positive side, baby's movements are still constant but are rarely painful now - s/he loves to have hiccup parties, and dance to some celestial music that only s/he can hear. I imagine it sounds something like angel wings fluttering, or bells ringing, but being 41+ years this side of that particular veil, it's just a guess. Whatever it is, it has a pretty cool rhythm, if the dancing is any indication.

I have so many things I still want to do before baby gets here - mostly getting every inch of the house clean, getting all of the holiday shopping complete, securing the Sego Lily School grant (still crossing fingers on that one), and making a few more things for baby. I have been having fun making these adorable little newborn gowns (complete with the little hand flaps!) out of old t-shirts:

In fact, Gabe made the one on the left - he was bored on Saturday, and so I taught him how to use the sewing machine & walked him through the steps. It's a simple project, but not necessarily one I would turn over to a beginner. He did very well, and I only had to make two minor corrections when he was finished. I'm working on a few more of them - seriously, these are super easy to make if you know how to do a few basic things, I think with cutting time I'm at about 20-25 minutes each. Cost-wise, I bought a few pieces of knit ribbing for the neck edges, plus thread & a tiny piece of elastic. Combine that with the cost of a free old t-shirt, they are probably somewhere around the $1.25 range, max. I can't wait to see baby in some of them (but will happily wait another 12-14 weeks!) :)

Speaking of things I want to see baby in! A few weeks back I posted that I was having all 12 of the kids create a square for a quilt, using plain white fabric & sharpie markers. I finally took some time to piece it all together and it is pretty darn cute:

Unfortunately I CANNOT get this photo to rotate, but if you turn your head right you can see all of the cute drawings... anyway I'm pretty happy with it, it needs a good washing to get rid of the fabric sizing, but other than that it is complete. Lots of love for the baby when s/he gets here!

Other than the emotional roller-coaster I seem to be on for the last week, that is the extent of what is happening here in the pregnancy realm. We are having a HUGE Harvest party here this weekend (locals, get on over here, 2-10!), so I'm trying to get a bit of the house in order today, which is my only real free day before Saturday. I alternate between wanting to do 'my part' and thinking, screw it, no one else is pregnant, they can get the house ready... at least after today I will feel like I have contributed a bit. Now, off for a bit more sewing, and the much needed daily nap!

Week 26

Another week down already! This one few by fast. Probably something to do with the start of school, a super busy weekend, and a couple days of handling all the kids on my own. Or maybe it's just regular life.

Had an appointment with my wonderful midwife, Cathy, on Thursday. Everything still looks great - belly the right size, blood pressure good, etc. I haven't felt like there was anything weird going on,  so I wasn't surprised. We had a great chat about kids & families & the mental breakdown I had over the spilled pickles. I seriously could not believe it had been 4 weeks since I had seen her last. She'll be back in October, then we start every 2 week visits until 36 weeks.

As today is September 11th, it had me thinking of this day 11 years ago. I was 8 months pregnant with Gabe the day I checked my online support group email & read all of the posts asking if Asha - one of our mamas - was OK. I had no idea what was happening yet, only that something was going on in new York City. I turned on the TV to sights of a burning Trade Center building.

Like many, I was shocked. Like some, I had friends & family to worry about (a cousin in the city, another cousin working in the Pentagon, and several friends in the city). But also, like millions, I had to wonder what else was going to happen. Was this the beginning of a war? An isolated incident? I hugged my belly & cried.

A few years before, pregnant with Corbin, my step-son lost a friend in a gang shooting. Watching those teens deal with loss, & their own mortality, was heart-wrenching. I questioned what kind of screwed up world I was bringing a child into. Who was I to have the right to bring an innocent being into a world where young adults pull up to a stop light & shoot a girl in the next car for no reason? It took weeks of soul-searching to come to the conclusion that I was just the right person to bring a new human into the world - someone committed to making a difference, and making this world a better place. I also knew that I would raise my child to be compassionate, loving, and to bring something into the world that would make a difference - somewhere, somehow.

A few days after 9/11/01, I reminded myself of those days & weeks of being pregnant with Corbin. I had learned by then that my family & friends were safe, though emotionally scarred. The country had learned by then that WWIII had not started on American soil, and that while there were wounds to heal, and deaths to mourn, we too were safe. And I had remembered that this baby, too, would be raised to be loving, compassionate, and to make a difference.

I am grateful that this time around, 9/11 and that gang shooting are memories from which I learned. Our night of the fire evacuation was difficult enough to endure, with no death or possible wars to confront. Life is busy & stressful enough - especially during pregnancy - without these intense life lessons rearing their heads. So this week, I will focus on remembering lessons I have already learned, and spending all the time I can hugging my belly. Without the tears.

Week 25 - and it's September!

Fall is definitely in the air! At least it was in June Lake, CA, where I spent the last 5 days with my family to celebrate my brother's wedding. It feels like there may be some fall here in SLC, too, although I haven't felt a 40 degree evening yet ;) It was fun to share my belly with the family, although I was sick as well as pregnant, so it was a bit of a tough weekend. Still getting some of my voice back as it keeps coming & going. Mostly, of course, it was wonderful to see my parents & siblings, and spend time with my boys.

I love the fall - the smells, the chill in the air, warm sweaters, pumpkin pie, chai, fall colors.... the list goes on & on. I don't know that I have a favorite season, but if I did it would probably be fall. And of course this year, fall means closer to baby time. It was also the first day of school today, so the belly & I spent the day today at Sego Lily School. It was pretty exhausting after just coming back from our trip last night, but honestly I think it would have been exhausting regardless. I've spent the evening at home with my feet up - baby is going a bit crazy doing flips & tricks, which I think is the result of having spent the whole day being rocked to sleep since I didn't stop moving for 7 hours. The rest is nice; feeling baby move is always something that makes me smile.

I don't really have a rant this week, which is kind of nice. I do have a midwife appointment this week, and it does NOT feel like it's been 4 weeks already! After this I will be seeing her every 2 weeks, which should make time fly even more. I am getting inspired to start doing some work on the yurt to create a birth space. I'm also hoping to get some details handled about holidays for this year- I do NOT want them to sneak up on me! Just the fact that it is September has me in a bit of a panic... it's probably time to make some lists, talk to the family, and put in some structures to keep the panic at bay. I also think it's time to go get some chai!

Week 24 +1

Hi everyone! It's week 24 over here (plus a day, 'cause I missed my blogging day yesterday). For some reason 24 feels good - I don't know why, it just feels like some sort of milestone for something.

The big news here is that school is starting next week, I am taking my boys on a road trip tomorrow morning for brother Jer's wedding, my doctoral session starts pretty much now, and I'm sure there are about 50 things of a more minor nature that I could list as well. Like the fact that there are so many veggies coming in, Jordan or I has been canning basically every day. Or that there are so many soccer games & practices between now and the end of October that I am not certain I can even count that high. Or that I get to go play at Sego Lily School starting Tuesday, which is something I have really missed this summer. Etc.

For me, this is all 'big news' because I have said about a jillion times that I know that once fall hits, time in this pregnancy is going to FLY. There is SO MUCH going on between now & when this baby arrives, I can't imagine having a moment to be bored or anxious or counting the days (not that I would ever have an exact number of days to count anyway, but you get the idea). Now that it's really here (the marathon starts in about 14 hours), I'm both happy/excited, and sad/mourning. Happy/excited because these are all things I have been looking forward to. Sad/mourning because honestly, this is my last pregnancy and while of course I cannot wait to meet this baby, I also am cherishing these pregnant moments and I don't really want them to end. Note to friends and family: please remember to quote me on this around week 38/39 when I am way more interested in giving birth NOW.

The other news of note is that we started our birth class last week. Nothing much to report, the leader is cute (though I am much well versed in the material than she seemed to be, but that might be her nervousness, who knows). They did one of those exercises with a backpack filled with stuff to represent the baby, extra fat, amniotic fluid, etc, it weighed about 35 pounds total, and each of the dads wore it for awhile. It made a big impact on Joe - he said it was sitting on his bladder the whole time, lol, so he understood kind of what it must be like for me. I appreciate that he really let that in - it feels like he's been sweeter to me this week as a result :). Of course that might be my imagination. We have class again tonight. It's hard for me to keep my mouth shut while I'm there - I only added things about 40% of the time last week. I'm aiming for 25% this time. We shall see.

Wish me luck - lots of driving ahead this weekend (about 10 hours each way, and I'm the only adult). I almost wish Corbin was 2 years older and had a learner's permit, though I don't know if I could handle him driving on highways at 75 MPH. Actually just typing all of that made me realize that I DO NOT actually wish he was 2 years older. Forget I even said that....

Week 23.

There is a large mango in my uterus, and it weighs about 1.5 pounds. At least this is what my pregnancy tracker is telling me. I know this mango to be an inspiring gymnast and/or slam dancer, who feels the need to spend most of every day wriggling or hiccuping in my belly. I love every minute of it.

This little 'who' is one lucky who. With somewhere between 7-12 brothers & sisters who are awaiting his/her arrival. We had a conversation at the breakfast table last week that went something like this:

Gabe(10): I'm going to teach the baby to skate & bike & scooter, and probably to play soccer, too.

Joe: What if s/he turns out to be better than you?

Gabe: Then I guess I will quit competing and become a coach.

Athan(6): I'm going to teach the baby to swim & rock climb & play Minecraft

Gabe: I'm never letting this baby near you on the computer. Minecraft is stupid and will rot it's brain.

Eve(7) (Jordan's daughter): There's a baby in Jen's tummy, you know!

Luke (2): That's my sister!!!!

Eve: well it's kind of like my sister too, except it isn't, well maybe sort of. I don't really know. But I would really like it to be my sister.

Darius (6, friend who lives on our property): mama, will this baby be like my brother or sister, too?

Alyssa (his mom): not really, but you can call it anything you want, I bet Jen would be OK with that.

Darius: Jen, can it be my brother or sister? All of these kids have brothers & sisters & I don't.

Me: well, when the baby is born, it isn't going to know who it's 'real' brothers & sisters are - so if you love it, it will love you back like a brother.

Darius: That's freaking awesome.

I agree with Darius - it's freaking awesome. Babies come into the world with no boundaries - s/he won't know that this child is a half sister, this one is technically not related at all, this one is a cousin, etc. There are just PEOPLE - all different sizes, colors, shapes & smells. And there is LOVE. Period. Oh, and hunger, wetness, and cold ;) Have to deal with those, too....

We are getting close to settling on some names - they will not be released to the public before the birth ;). But I am falling in love with baby even more as s/he gets more concrete. This will be a real person, with a name & a nickname, and arms & legs and all of those wonderful things.

I also met with Ginger of Earthside Birth Photography - I'm so excited to have her attend the birth and capture the sacred event - she does beautiful work, and knowing her philosophy of non-intrusiveness with birth, I know she will be a perfect person to have around. She is also excited to photograph in the Yurt - it's a really beautiful & unique space, I'm getting more excited to nest out there close to the birth & have the baby born into its' sacred walls. We also start birth class tomorrow night - Joe has never experienced a natural birth before, and I need him trained ;). It will be nice to meet with some other pregnant women, too, even though I probably know more about birth that the woman teaching the class, as wonderful as she is. I'll take it as an opportunity to spread some wisdom when I can, and provide support as needed. And take the support where it is offered.

Week 22 (plus a couple of days)

Week 22! This post is a couple of days late - it's been a whirlwind around here the last few days, and I have had very little time to sit down, much less quiet moments at my computer for writing or reflecting.

(I can no longer stand to insert pictures of developing fetuses here - the image search turns up too many miscarried babies born around this time - so just imagine a cute image of a 22 week fetus in utero...)

My 2nd trimester energy has continued - I've canned a ton of pickles, some apple pie filling, and a few jars of grape jam (Jordan did most of a batch and ran out of pectin, I finished the last few jars). I've also decided to make pear cider for the first time - we now have a system to get a bunch of the pears from Sego Lily, which usually end up on the ground as the tree is too high. I am sure we will make some pear jam & nectar, and the rest will make cider. Which, of course, I won't be able to enjoy myself much until after baby comes, but I got so inspired about the whole idea that I just can't help myself! I've also been trying to catch up the scrapbooks at least a little - starting now & working backwards has been a good strategy, as I'm about 3 years behind, YIKES! Joe & I got the hallway at Sego Lily finished (painting) & I've done most of the prep work in the playroom, which is the last planned project for this summer. Then of course, there is the compulsive cleaning/nesting, soccer tournament & practices for Gabe, and all the usual stuff - laundry, meals, dishes, etc. It's no wonder I feel tired, but I just can't seem to help myself...

In other news, I was asked three times yesterday "Any day now, huh?" My belly is big - I always tend to show a LOT, due to my relatively short torso (baby has to go somewhere, and out front seems to be the logical place). But really, at 5 months, I don't think I look ready to pop! Perhaps it's my own knowledge of just how house-like I get by month 7 or so; to others, it's all relative, they see a large belly & think it must be almost time. I never take offense to this, but it does make me giggle to see people's expressions when I tell them "Not until Christmas!"

The other thing everyone wants to know, of course, is "are you having a boy or a girl?" This one does bother me a tad. First, just the whole idea that as a society we need to know the answer to this question before babies are born. Ans second (and more importantly) why does it matter? I saw a great cartoon a few weeks back, with a woman holding a small infant, where someone asked "So what is your baby's gender?" The mother's reply was something like "We don't know yet, we're waiting until she is old enough to discover that!" Sex, of course, is obvious at birth. Gender is something wholly different. And most people have no idea what that means. Which for me, is an issue.

Let's say I have another boy. OK, sex = male. Gender = ?. When he is old enough to gender identify, will he be heterosexual? Will he identify as female, and chose to live that way? Or somewhere else altogether? No infant has gender identification of any kind. And I don't feel that as a parent it is my duty to decide how to answer that question for my babies/children, anymore than I would tell you what my child is going to chose for a career when he/she grows up. There have been a lot of stories in the media lately about families not even disclosing their child's sex, so as to ensure no one places gender roles upon them. I personally wouldn't go that far, but I do try hard to not place gender roles on my children (boys are strong, girls are pretty; boys play with trucks, girls play with dolls). Speaking of, do you know how freaking hard it is to find gender-neutral baby clothes????? Just give me some damn yellow, green, and white clothes that don't have trucks or flowers on them for goddess's sake. Is that too much to ask?

When I was a child, my mother apparently gave me a truck for Christmas, and gave my brother Jesse (about 2 years younger) a doll. She says we took one look at each other & traded immediately. OK fine, that was our CHOICE. My boys have all had dolls - in fact when Gabe was born, Corbin would carry his doll in the little sling I got for him, nurse his baby, and put it to bed when Gabe was napping. I know if I have a girl she will have dolls, too - this nurturing is a learned behavior that all people need to experience & explore. But she will also have trucks, and legos, and anything else she enjoys. My boys have had plenty of those things, too. Oh, and I promise that any daughter of mine will NOT own any of the new 'girl' legos - I'm disgusted that construction toys have become gender based and segregated. I have my own Lego collection of both the Frank Lloyd Wright houses (I have Falling Water & the Robie house), and the collectible street series - hotel, pet store, city hall, cafe, etc). I'm a pretty girlie girl, in many ways, and I did NOT need these things made in pink for me. I was just as capable of building them & enjoying them in their real colors that reflect the brick & wood of real construction without having them 'feminized.' For those that haven't seen them yet, here is what I am talking about:

Pink Lego. Because Goddess forbid a girl enjoy the blue, red & yellow ones....

Anyway... I do enjoy screwing with people when they ask "Do you know what you are having yet?" My response is always, "A baby!" and if they give me a confused look, I add, for clarification, "A human baby!" And you know what? I know I'm right, even though the ultrasound tech never did directly confirm that particular assumption.

Week 21. It feels nice to have fewer weeks to go than have already gone by. At the same time, I really want the time to go slowly - there is so much to happen between now & December whatever. Mostly, of course, there is baby growing & being ready to exist outside his/her current home :)

Sunday night, baby was kicking so hard that it HURT! I could see my belly moving, and so could Joe. When I tried to have him feel baby, s/he stopped moving. Of course. Isn't that the way it always goes?

I'm excited by a couple of projects right now. I bought the fabric to make one of the quilts I want to make today - I'm giving all 12 of the kids white squares to decorate with colorful sharpie markers, then combining them all to make a quilt. I'm totally psyched with the colors, and really want to encourage the kids to make their squares thoughtful & beautiful.

I'm also really excited to make some of these baby gowns sewn from old t-shirts. Of course I need some old t-shirts that will work - anyone local have any to donate? I need men's larges or bigger.... (Women's XL's will work, too!)

I had one of my 'moments' today. I had been painting at Sego Lily School, and went out after to spend the day with Athan. We were at his favorite place eating lunch, and a woman about my age commented on the paint on my arms (and probably in my hair, too, I still haven't looked in the mirror to check for that!). The conversation went like this:

her: You have something on your arm.
Me: Oh, it's paint, I must have missed a spot when I cleaned up.
her: Somebody's been creating a nursery!
Me: (silence). Thanks. (walk away)

OK, so here is the thing. I don't DO nurseries. Yes, Kevin & I made one for Corbin before he was born; he never slept in it until he was about 8. Or maybe 10. I haven't bothered with one since. So in some ways, her comment was no biggie, right? But I felt assaulted with the cultural expectation that in another 19 weeks or so, I would be taking my baby - the baby that I had just spent 40 weeks growing, connecting with, loving, bonding to - and stick him or her in isolation in another room in my house. The idea of taking your brand new baby and getting it AWAY from you that is implied by a nursery just makes me gag. And while this woman meant none of this in her innocent comment, she meant all of it. She said, without saying, "Oh, here is another woman working hard to create a space where she can get rid of that nuisance she is carrying around! Good for her!" And it pissed me off.

I know that in many ways, many of my parenting views are considered pretty radical. But really, how many more studies need to be done to convince the American public that our babies need to be with us? How many more babies need to die from SIDS before we realize that sleeping with our children is good for them? (there has never been one single SIDS death related to safe co-sleeping). How many more women need to spend the first critical months of their babies lives exhausted from getting up all night before they realize how much easier it is to roll over & nurse your baby than it is to get up from bed, trek across a house, and comfort a now screaming, upset infant?

So no, I was not painting a nursery today. Nor will I be, at any time. Not for one of my own babies, anyway. And honestly, I can't imagine being convinced to do it as a favor for anyone else, either. I'd be too busy trying to get the mommy-to-be to change her mind about the need for a nursery, and recommending articles on safe co-sleeping. You really need to decorate? Make a corner over the changing table. And if you see me with paint on your arms, know that Sego Lily is getting a make-over this summer. That's it.

oh, and right now, baby has hiccups again :)